Fear

I've lived my life with a definition of fear that only included the type of things found in horror movies. But now as my definition of fear widens, so does my frustration that I have been and am trapped by so many of these new founded fear categories. My greatest fear of late is being misunderstood. I guess it's a bit of a step-up from ghosts and demons. But I'm finding it a little harder to conquer. It's hard not to be able to speak without later fearing that it might have been taken the wrong way. Or even in simple conversation, did I talk to much? And if so, did I talk to much about myself? Did I say something arrogant? Did I say some about someone else that they thought was rude? I didn't mean it to be! Did I listen enough, or show I cared enough? All these things I can wonder to the point where a good conversation can later be a source of shame to recall. I think that even with this struggle I can rejoice because it shows me something of the human condition. We all want to be known and understood, by what is in our hearts, deep down inside all the faults and failures and even with all the faults and failures. We want to know that when we converse someone can see past the number of negative vs. positive adjectives we used to see our heart behind the words. And beyond just being understood...buhbadaBUH...we want to be loved. Known, understood, and loved.

Realizing that no human on this earth can ever know me in full makes me grateful that God does. Grateful that I don't have to exist being the only one to know what is going on inside my heart. I don't have to live my life not being understood by anyone but myself, because there will always be my God that understands me in full, and even beyond just understanding me, He loves me.